Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Psst - Wanna Blowjob?

I'm just asking for trouble with this post... But, what the heck.
Outlook is launching a new business magazine on April 10. The magazine will be a fortnightly and likely be priced at Rs 10 (no suprises there EDIT - It appears it will be Rs 25 per issue). So, the bsuiness magazine space in India will now have four national newsmagazines - don't even argue that Ponytail's magazine is respectable - its like a petulant 14-year old who think of themselves as a 'wannabe slut'. Which is why no-one talks to them. Not that too many people talk to the three magazines that are around anyway. I'm sorry to say this, but the business media in India unfortunately are like prostitutes, no actually make that all the media in India are like prostitutes, usually no better than the ones you find on Kennedy Bridge. They're not as bad as the automotive media in India because those folks (all eight of them) go up to the guys they write about who are also their primary source of advertising (the car and bike companies) and say, "Listen we'll roll over spread out and you can take us up the ass. No, don't just do that, take us up the ass with a 18-inch dildo.. Rip our ass cheeks apart." (And the lifestyle and film media are equally bad) No, business media isn't that bad, they only give blowjobs.
But, are they the only ones.... No, the entire set-up of the desi media sometimes looks like a cheap whorehouse on GB Road.
Now, lets look at the set-up of the whore house that is the Indian media - there is the big madam, an 'Old Lady' - which doesn't do it with just anybody and if she does it, the price she charges is a pound of flesh, Shylock style, but she usually steers clear of cheap paying politicians. Now, the other parts of the media aren't as bad - and I'm not even stepping onto TV-toes here. But the other major newspapers also bend over, but they also have good taste, the problem is that many of them have diseases which they caught from their favourite customers - for example a large South Indian lady has "Communitis", a very dangerous disease, but nowadays because of a radical new treatment (power at the centre) it is more invigourated than ever. Many national news organisations (more than we can count - and it requires a lot of courage) suffer from "MadamAssLickitis"which has meant that they spent so much time up 10 Janpath's backside that they have lost all sense of objectivity. And of course there are news organisations that have lost all sense altogether having slept with so many people.
And then there is the other wing - where the ladies don't sit spread-eagled waiting for people to do them hard. No, this section, known as "Only BJ's" (Hey, everyone needs a trademark) is far more pleasurable - come on, a good BJ is better than bad sex. (By the way, there is also a sado-maschochistic section but thats where the automotive and lifestyle types sit). Now to give you a demonstration of how good the BJ's are once in a while, a business publication recently decided to suck off MDA, who cares if MDA didn't want to be sucked off, they gave him a proxy BJ. It also helps if by giving the BJ, the client also calls you for 'house calls' once in a while.
Of course, the ladies in the pink of health give the best blowjobs of the lot. If the client doesn't like it, they'll even give a refund, not just to the client but also to the person who holds up the clients tattas (the PR agency). Of course, sometimes things do tend to go a bit bad, the 'Old Lady' still curses her 'lil sister for biting one of her clients balls off, forcing that client into the arms of other ladies of the night. And sometimes, the roles get reversed, with the better ones a role-reversal happens more often than not nowadays, but sometimes they end up giving free blowjobs because a higher-up wants to please 'somebody'.
But still, while we talk of how energetic and free our media is, most of the Indian media is beholden to vested interests from one place or another. Its quite frustrating at times to work in such an environment, but you learn to accept it and live with it. Which is why I sometimes like the freedom that blogs afford me, so what if I bitch out people once in a while. I would like to clarify that I have no agendas on this blog nor am I playing political games of any sort, especially in organisations I have no connection to. I sometimes say things that I should be a bit more discreet about, but then again, those of you who know me know that I talk a lot.
Anyways... I wonder how Outlook's new product will look? Its always good to welcome a new girl to the whorehouse.
DISCLAIMER : Yes, I know this post sounds awfully sexist and chauvanistic. The analogies are meant to illustrate a point, and nothing more than that.
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18 comments:

akash said...

What about tehelka? Is it in the same boat as others or there is still hope.

R said...

What abt your own magazine?

K said...

Tehelka - Hmmm.. its a magazine without a cause after the NDA lost the 2004 election. I mean just how many anti-Modi stories can you do? Secondly, Tehelka is the most scarily Left Wing publication there is. Its even more activist than the Karat's.
(Yet, that doesn't stop them from taking full page Ponytail jerk-off adverts - proving that at the end of the day money is where its at)
R : Hmmmm..... Bait. Yummy! The role-reversal bit.. but not always ;-) I like your blog.

BBC said...

K,
My name is Paul from the BBC in London. Would you like to take part in a discussion radio show about the Indian media and the Garcia business?

I cannot see your eMail in an obvious location.

Give us a buzz on 4420755 71130 today (4/4/06) if you're interested.

P

K said...

Argh - its presstalk@gmail.com
And I just might call you anyway.

Bonatellis said...

delightful read, on business media :) as u grow up (up the ladder, i mean) u'll see things u still haven't ... and, trust me, it's far worse than how things appear now ...

can't see how Outlook's new venture can succeed, given the peeps they've hired for it ...

GBO said...

Paul from the BBC in London?

Kuch daal mein goraa hai boss?

GBO

qvtpepr

Anonymous said...

K, I agree completely with you on this post...the business media! A bunch of whores looking for clients. Nothing makes even one of those magazines stand out from the other. They all have the same crap with little substance. Ofcourse, ET takes the whoring to new heights regularly. Others follow like sheep.

The business mags are going to stay the same unless they do more than crap on about old news and have virtually nothing of interest to a 'real' business reader - not the MBA aspiring students. They have become even more irrelevant since the net and 24 hour news channels cropped up.

And yeah, the autowallahs are the same. Which is why I gave up on auto mags years ago. They sucked.

The desi media is a whorehouse. It probably has always been one. MPs, MLAs or senior functionaries in the biggest parties own or control many newspapers that help skew opinion and get them elected. The Congress, due to its long history, has its fingers in almost all the major paper and channel pies. No wonder a bit of Madam ass licking is involved.

It gets worse in the smaller cities. Politicians have monopolies on newspapers there. These monopolies are deliberately created and reinforced. A study bringing out political backgrounds in every newspaper will be shocking reading for the uninitiated. As long as politicians are allowed to hold major stakes in the media covertly or through legal mazes, as long as there are no transparency guidelines for ownership of the media, this is going to continue.

Small town press staff is more easily managed. A few envolopes full of 15-20k each can take care of a rape or two in the middle of a crowded market by a politician if needed. Murder costs slightly more. Only small town journos can match the absolute corruptedness of the police. This is why you don't see stings in anything apart from national media. The press has already been bought and paid for here.

Ofcourse, there is the mutual scratching of backs involved. A newspaper owned by a politician won't print anything about the rival even in small places. The reason? The rival would have lots of dirt about the newspaper owning party member too. So you see, the system of checks and balances in the country works pretty well ;-). There are ministers whose family regularly uses force to evict people from their properties - in broad daylight. But hell will freeze over before that stuff shows up in a paper.

Lack of competition locally has ensured that newspapers and magazines had become entrenched in their (political) ways. Is it any surprise that news is not allowed on FM radio and private local TV channels are not allowed? They must be regretting allowing news channels to crop up in the country in the first place.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about the anon posting. The above post is by me. I keep forgetting to add my name ;)

Alok

Anonymous said...

what about the tv news organisations? how are they different from newspapers and magazines ? aren't they also infamous for endorsing nepotism and sexual exploitation ? and at what level do these aberrations exist? i doubt whether organisations such as NDTV indulge in such activities especially at the higher level since some of their anchors double up as reporters and are experienced journalists(i guess thats a relative term)so there is a meritocracy in place which cannot be overlooked.
Maybe you should highlight the positives of TV journalism as well. It can't be all bad. I just want a balanced view.

thalassa_mikra said...

To be honest, a perceived political slant in a specific newspaper doesn't bother me so much. As long as the media space is not dominated by only one kind of political ideology but accomodates different leanings.

In the American media, there's space for Fox News, NYT and The Nation and they represent the disparate ideologies that make up the electorate.In India we do have a wide spectrum of political viewpoints.

We always perceive facts through a personal paradigm, so to think of a unbiased, neutral media is perhaps a bit redundant.

Rahul said...

Aprt from the topic, did you also want to draw a lot of traffic to your blog by using words such as free blowjobs, etc.? Anyway, nice read.

Bonatellis said...

alok: the 15-20k u refer to for small-town journos is quite an exxageration ... just 500 works quite fine ;) and most in any case double as the ad-sales guy ...

Anon: positives of TV journalism? what are we talking of exactly??

nepotism and the phenomenon of editors currying for favour from big business houses and political parties happens across all media organisations, print or TV ... there is no known exception ...

K said...

Rahul : If I really wanted to attract traffic to the blog I would have included the terms "Carol Garcias" "MMS" and "Wardrobe Malfunction". No wait, I just did.
Alok : I wouldn't praise TV that much either. Each TV channel has a very disparate agenda. And I have my reservations on most 'sting' ops not done by NDTV. What makes you think TV journos are so smart - have you been to a presser of late where TV journos (most of them at least) lap up the marketing speil word for word, rarely asking the questions that need to be asked.
Anyway....
T_M : I don't deny that a disparate range of political opinions are needed - however the majority (actually all but one, maybe two) of the English language print media is so pro-establishment it is not funny.

Anonymous said...

Bonatellis, you misunderstand me. That is the rate for rapes/murder - especially in the larger papers and the english small town media. Small planted stories merit a bottle or two of whisky. Stringers for the national channels aren't above this either - except there is no real gurantee that the story will make it on air. But then, these guys have a 'salary' delivered to them every month anyway - and not just from their employer.

Yes, many of the smaller papers have journos who will approach businesses immediately after a PC and sometimes even before the guy has a chance to get off the freaking chair. They make no bones about pimping ads in their papers. Then there are co operative bank loans that are never repaid, benami flats handed over for services rendered... the list is endless.


Alok

Anonymous said...

Heh, I never praised any TV journos, K! Those wonks are the ones I am closer to. So I know how many morons work for the top two or three channels - especially in the smaller places.

K said...

Anon/Alok, 'The Smaller Places' only??? I thought TV was full of stupidity!
;-)

terah745 said...

For a lost cause.

We waste our precious time.

So do I.

There is nothing left.

In this fight for personal.

Freedom.

But there aren't enough personnel.

Left.

Who could do anything.

But talk, talk and write.

Over glasses of chilled beer.

Just like the foam on the top.

The bubbles of sin.

Go down the veins.

Coming out again.

In the form of burbs.

And a long strong spray of.

Fermented pee straight in.

With all the foam.

Accompanied by("man-life sucks").

You fuck them.

They do the same.

Shame, Shame.

But we continue.

The game.

Whatever.