Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Shubho Bijoya

Well, it was that time of year all over again, when the unwashed masses or rather masses who don’t understand what a deodorant is, despite the television telling them that applying said deo, usually with an extremely silly name will get them laid, came near my house. And have now left, for which I am eternally grateful – Shubho Bijoya to me means the end of the crowds – which is why it is a good day. The masses generally honked their horns a lot, groped the occasional other person (this, as someone tried to explain to me isn’t sexual it just is well, Indian, because we like ‘feeling’ other people. Really now?) and picked the odd wallet. The Puja being a curious side-show run by middle-aged Bengali women who don’t work giving them their one chance in a year to act important.
It isn’t as if I’m not religious, but the rampant commercialization of the Puja – four pandals I saw were lead sponsored by – a betting company (bwin, the guys who sponsor Real Madrid); Coca-Cola; some random deodorant company with a skimpily clad woman on the poster (we are worshipping ‘Ma’ here, remember) and some other random mutual-fund company, maybe the guys who call me up five times a day trying to sell me a plan.
Surprising isn’t it, but at a level we actually celebrate misogyny in this country or at least under the ‘modern’ anti-imperialistic religion that we follow, which kind of dilutes the ‘maryada’ and ‘sabhyata’ arguments that are thrown at you by whackos sometimes. Of course, you can argue that I belong to whacko school as well, but the guys who belong to whacko school really are people who put stupid ring-tones and worse call-back tones. And of course people who defend a child-rapist on the grounds that he makes good movies.
Surprising isn’t it? The Americans all said and done, pursue a rapist for over thirty years and then spring a trap on him that has given many people across the world a massive moral dilemma. And we desperately try to bury a case so that a large pasta dinner can be enjoyed at 10 Janpath. Makes you wonder if Mayawati really does have a decent point. Even though, a college friend from Lucknow argues that the massive parks are great places to go for walks and get stoned every evening. I really didn’t know that UP politicians were chasing the stoner vote-bank. It is a bad idea to rely on stoners for votes, as successive college elections prove. The guys like sleeping. And I should know.
Anyway, the reason for my tardiness lately has been a Gym, I’m too tired to frikking think. Well, not quite, but I’ve been watching a bit of cricket on the side and really haven’t had the time. No wait, actually I’m just making excuses, I’ve been lazy. Period. That, and some other stuff.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Random Mutterings

I will begin this episode of K’s psychotic, or otherwise, rants by cribbing about my favourite topic, Press Releases. It doesn’t take much to add a link to a download location, but some folks think that a friendly five-meg attachment of a paunchy fat-ass will get printed. Never mind the picture belongs in a gallery of ‘How not to take a picture!’, one picture I got recently didn’t even have the red-eye corrected. A crap mobile phone camera can do that much onboard, let alone on a computer. I had to spend half of Monday clearing out emails, sure I’m to blame for some of them, but I have never covered kitchen and kitchen accessories in my life. So why send me an email? I’m just too nice to start dramatically blackballing domains, but yaar, akal lagaya karo.
The other thing that is a bit irritating are detailed pitches which are so crappy it isn’t funny. But what gets my goat is the latest habit in some agencies to highlight that the person they’re talking about is a ‘single mom’. How does that make a difference? I sure don’t remember my mother advertising the fact. Sure, it might be plausible in a women’s magazine but where I work? Christ, at least change the pitch between journalists. What someone is makes no difference to me straight up, it can make for great anecdotal pieces – or the lead feature in Mint Lounge – give me the basics first.
That said, I wonder how well we give the basics too. Like this entire ‘DLC’ brouhaha with Bharti and MTN, I was out of the news loop for over a week and while I did manage to go back and reference stories to figure out what on earth was being written about, I should not need to. Sigh! I’ve just had a long day under the sun running from meeting to meeting, so grant me the rant.
Oh yeah, and the latest one I got says ‘We have a Twitter account please follow us’! Until your company makes references to ‘Holy Cows and Calves’ I refuse to follow you, but that’s just me. An irritable journalist who is about to turn a year older and is dreading the influx of people to go see ‘Ma’. Nothing against Durga Puja, believe me I love it, but I refuse to stand in queue with the great un-deodorised masses. I’m not being a snob, I go see the Puja’s in the morning, in the evenings, if you live in Delhi stay, far, far away from CR Park and GK-2. If you value your nose, wallet and general well-being.
Oh yeah, and if you thought that Minister de l'twit was bad, his Boss is crazier! Let's all deal with the Taliban, so the next time the Congress says IC-814...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

L’affaire de la Minister l’twit-twat!

You know something, this might not have been a big deal, had JJ kept his gob (or fingers) shut. PR is one thing, having a hissy fit over someone who is far higher up in the hierarchy than your boss reeks of stupidity. But those of us who are blessed to have known Jacob from college should not pretend to have been surprised. When a powder-keg of stupidity with a short fuse is lit, it will go up and the collateral damage will fill the pages and the airwaves with even more stupidity. It just shows the importantance of a term a friend once told me – ‘Minion Management’. If you cannot manage your Minions you will meet the same fate as Saruman. No wait…

If you are saddened by the loss of Sanctimonous self-important posts by Indians on twitter, don’t despair, Emotion-Girl tweets too! In fact, Undie-TV is tweeting itself to glory in their new let us engage with everyone philosophy and I must admit for a channel that (through Emotion-Girl) that once wanted blogs to be banned/censored (particularly blogs that said nasty things about Emotion-Girl, after all she is a war hero, didn’t you know?) this is quite a volte-face.

On another note, it looks like Anchor-Man might have got his war after all. Not the one against Pakistan, which would have meant mutually assured nuclear death, or a one with China which would have likely meant us being walloped. But now we’re fighting the enemy within, something that is not half as exciting (probably because it is more important) than a full-fledged war. And did anyone understand this wonderful line in HT today from the Indian cricket team’s new doctrine…

“If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner…”


I mean really WTF??? Do they mean to imply that our cricketers should masturbate? When Bollywood is full of overweight and over made-up starlets dying to sleep with them. No wait, all those are on location with Akshay Kumar. Back to the point, and these were actually the first words I happened to read today morning – a treatise on masturbation. Gary Kirsten’s insidious plan to weaken the Indian team is now know (the next thing he’ll suggest circle jerks). Sorry for being so gross, but these were actually the first words I read in the morning when I woke up bleary eyed a few minutes after the stock exchanges had opened.
But seriously ‘Men In Blue’, I do have I do have a lot of Sasha Grey and Maria Ozawa videos (in high-def no less), so if you need any videos I would happily provide you some. After all, we all are mates and what is a few porno videos between mates, eh?

I was so traumatized that I even attended a Presser today after months just to see Ford India name their new small car (though it felt like the size of a Hyundai i20) the Ford ‘Traitor’ – well, it is called the ‘Figo’; but can you expect any self-respecting fan of FC Barcelona to ever buy a car with such a name. It will probably be expensive too as well as being temperamental.
And by the way, I’m back!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Only in India

Only in India can we come with a show that is for intents and purposes called “Who Wants to marry a Wife-beater (and a dumb coke-head who gives coke-heads a bad name)” Of course, there is also the mystery of ‘Who paid the Hotel Bill’ which has had unintended casualties. The last I heard Nandan was airlifting laundry back to Bangalore to get it washed (rather than at Karnataka Bhavan); even though of all the guilty ‘hotel parties’, Nandan should be able to afford his own bills, even those from Wasabi.
Now, this brings us to the peculiar tale, or non-tale of the ‘wounded soldier’, which though carried in at least three papers has made one the target of a miffed government. But the target may actually not be the paper, but more perversely Anchor-Man; who if he could would have declared war on at least 35 UN States by now. Maybe, they, like most sane (and by now even the slightly insane) people on this planet want him to shut-up. The problem is that Anchor-Man and his arch-nemesis Emotion-Girl cannot shut up, if fact they find new ways of trying to give synaptic shock. Leading me to wonder if televised news in India lives in a Bizarro world.
The one good thing about television outside India, is the quality of coverage. Not that I watched a lot of it, TV in Germany is horribly boring and I refuse to pay for the Hotel porno channel, who pays for porno? But I did watch some sports, F1 coverage on the BBC is just mind-bogglingly superior to the crap Star Sports dishes out (when Karun Chandok isn’t around) – even Eddie Jordan knows more than Steve Slater. And the post coverage, man, that made me cry almost. I was watching the Champions League on French TV – sure I didn’t understand a word of what Desailly was saying but the graphics and analysis didn’t need much translation.
And here we get to see a clown who doesn’t know his drugs. Thankfully, Minister Twat has been told off big time. And read this if you have some time.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The K's new Sighs...

Minister Twat shoots off his Blackberry thumb and hell breaks loose, far too many reams of newsprint get expended on this while stories that came from mysterious sources that are not surprisingly ‘anonymous’ make it to the front pages as well without much discussion. Anyway, I’ve not been around and there really hasn’t been much going on other than the fact that 40 years after people started throwing stones at Indian Railway AC coaches, it is only when someone threw a stone at a Shatabdi coach with the ‘holy calf’ (Swapan’s term, not mine) that the Indian Railways swung into action.
Don’t feel like I missed much out here. And I had a great time in Paris, saw the Louvre and Orsay museums and my feet are still hurting after all that walking. No seriously, you do end up walking a lot in Paris. The Whiskey in Scotland was good too and the countryside is beautiful when you drive through it, even though I wished I was driving a nice two-seat roadster or even a four-seat convertible instead of the giant MPV we had rented. It really is another country compared to south of the border.
I’ve been travelling for a while and it was kinda weird to see that India barely makes the news outside. Other than the continuing disaster that is the preparation for the 2010 Commonwealth Games. Oh well, given the shrill tone that accompanied Anchor-man when I turned on the telly (Yes, I just had to tune to Times Now first) it was as if nothing had changed. Yes, there are signs of the economy turning even though I doubt that will mean that we get ‘delayed’ increments this year, even though I am sure that 2010 will bring with it the return of misplaced optimism.
But for the time being, let us get back up to speed. And enjoy the adventures of twats et al.

Monday, September 07, 2009

More Sorries!

If you have ever had a significant other, the term 'sorry' becomes a permanent part of your vocubulary. However, I have been travelling out, first on an office trip and now on vacation since I don't wish to donate my LTA into the government's coffers. Having faced the might of India's bureaucratic engine today morning when I went to get an International Driving Permit - if you want a taste of purgatory I would suggest a visit to the zonal transport department office in Sheikh Sarai. But enough whining, I have a bunch of things to finish writing and photos to file before I head off again, this time to the Scottish Highlands. I'll try and update whenever possible.
It has been good to be forcefully weaned off desi news, I got regular YSR updates on Twitter - what was really weird was how the obits started coming before people knew the chopper had crashed. That said, the entire episode makes you wonder how many more 'Heart of Darkness' areas we still have in India? Anyway, till later...