L’affaire de la Minister l’twit-twat!

You know something, this might not have been a big deal, had JJ kept his gob (or fingers) shut. PR is one thing, having a hissy fit over someone who is far higher up in the hierarchy than your boss reeks of stupidity. But those of us who are blessed to have known Jacob from college should not pretend to have been surprised. When a powder-keg of stupidity with a short fuse is lit, it will go up and the collateral damage will fill the pages and the airwaves with even more stupidity. It just shows the importantance of a term a friend once told me – ‘Minion Management’. If you cannot manage your Minions you will meet the same fate as Saruman. No wait…

If you are saddened by the loss of Sanctimonous self-important posts by Indians on twitter, don’t despair, Emotion-Girl tweets too! In fact, Undie-TV is tweeting itself to glory in their new let us engage with everyone philosophy and I must admit for a channel that (through Emotion-Girl) that once wanted blogs to be banned/censored (particularly blogs that said nasty things about Emotion-Girl, after all she is a war hero, didn’t you know?) this is quite a volte-face.

On another note, it looks like Anchor-Man might have got his war after all. Not the one against Pakistan, which would have meant mutually assured nuclear death, or a one with China which would have likely meant us being walloped. But now we’re fighting the enemy within, something that is not half as exciting (probably because it is more important) than a full-fledged war. And did anyone understand this wonderful line in HT today from the Indian cricket team’s new doctrine…

“If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner…”

WTF???

I mean really WTF??? Do they mean to imply that our cricketers should masturbate? When Bollywood is full of overweight and over made-up starlets dying to sleep with them. No wait, all those are on location with Akshay Kumar. Back to the point, and these were actually the first words I happened to read today morning – a treatise on masturbation. Gary Kirsten’s insidious plan to weaken the Indian team is now know (the next thing he’ll suggest circle jerks). Sorry for being so gross, but these were actually the first words I read in the morning when I woke up bleary eyed a few minutes after the stock exchanges had opened.
But seriously ‘Men In Blue’, I do have I do have a lot of Sasha Grey and Maria Ozawa videos (in high-def no less), so if you need any videos I would happily provide you some. After all, we all are mates and what is a few porno videos between mates, eh?

I was so traumatized that I even attended a Presser today after months just to see Ford India name their new small car (though it felt like the size of a Hyundai i20) the Ford ‘Traitor’ – well, it is called the ‘Figo’; but can you expect any self-respecting fan of FC Barcelona to ever buy a car with such a name. It will probably be expensive too as well as being temperamental.
And by the way, I’m back!

Chinese Honeytrap

Not something you will ever hear of in this paper, not from October any which way, or so the grapevine goes (not anything as much fun as the highest profile alleged honeytrap in the recent past). The number of conspiracy theories you hear on the phone nowadays with the 'Number 10' stamp on them is positively befuddling. It would seem that there is a full 'plotting' cell over there geared to engineer what can only be called 'Jinnah' moments.
Anyway, there was an interesting exchange on Twitter yesterday. Minister Twit says something, one of the few relatively politically neutral high-profile journos points out the ridiculousness of Minister Twit. Who then says that he is a critic of JLN. The joys of social media! Honestly, not everyone will ever get even a 100 followers on Twitter, let alone a thousand, but you shoul go onto Twitter for amusement. Personally, Twitter is a fantastic content-discovery and disemination tool for me. But that is me, someone who is far too social for his own good.

Twatter

The ‘Dear Father’ informed moi that someone is upset that I called him a ‘Twatter’, even though I was but merely repeating conversation overheard at The Chambers over lunch. That said, the Twatting preson’s tweet rate has dramatically shot down since aforementioned ‘Twatter’ incident, even though I cannot claim to be a Cambers regular like some other (former) journalists, though the Taj does excel in the food served on the top floor. The ‘House of Singh’ on the other hand needs a desperate makeover.
Enough about Twats and food. I haven’t been blogging lately and this has made me realize the sort of readership I have. Just like the lurkers who follow my tweets, but don’t quite follow me, there are several lurkers who read this blog but are too scared to comment. The reason why I haven’t been blogging is because I don’t seem to have enough vitriol in my system anymore, either that, or I’m so busy working that I genuinely don’t have the time. I think it is the former though. Which in itself means that I definitely don’t miss someone who left this organization recently. Not the one who took over a newspaper, who, it must be said is still most entertaining, and generous with his wine.
What has been intriguing over the past week is how the media seems to have grown a spine when it comes to cricket and cricketers. Either that, or there is a realization that our cricketers are scared that regular drug tests will expose them as frauds and the media is licking its lips at such a prospect. Then again, the amount of time some of these ‘cricketers’ spend in Bombay with the swish set, I’ld be surprised if they didn’t stuff their noses with Columbian/Peruvian powder, the prices of which I believe are shooting up again thanks to increased demand in the capital.
Back to the media, and before you ask me what exciting things are happening, I must admit I’ve been far too busy watching Rakhi Sawant become a born-again Christian to care about Channel 309 on Airtel DTH, which is rather unwatchable at primetime, but vacillates wildly on weekends. Frankly, there were three reasons I bought myself a big-ass LCD panel, the first was to watch live sports – IPL, EPL and even the occasional round of Golf. The second was to play the Xbox360, which I have to admit I’ve slackened a bit on. And the third was to watch random movies and TV serials (such as Top Gear) that are thankfully available through the mysteries of the antarjaal. Watching news is only fun on days when they pronounce buggery legal, just to watch comedy ensue.
The other reason I don’t watch too much TV News is not because I depend on Jon Stewart to see what is happening in the ‘Land of the Free’ but because there is too much of it. Drive past the BJP or CPI(M) headquarters like I do quite often and the outdoor broadcast vans are creating a bloody traffic jam. I don’t want too much analysis and there is the antarjaal you see, which thankfully is also available on my phone. I even have an application delivering me news to my homescreen (though I must remember to shut off data access when I travel broad next time).
I will watch TV if something earth-shattering happens and I will watch a certain channel if they have something truly exclusive. But I would rather watch Manchester United and Chelsea beat up each other live on TV than see pointless, misinformed reports on the epic Ambani tale. Yes, that and someone should tell Saif Ali Khan that while he is a great actor, after he had his heart attack he should stop pretending to be 25-30 because he does look 40!