Of Playstations and other demons

My weekend is sorted, not because Friendgirl (remember her?) is coming down to visit me in the city of Rats, but because the guys who import the PSP into India have given me a piece to call my own (just for the weekend). Three games, one movie and the coolest game device around - what more could I ask for - but of course, fate always manages to conspire against you. This should be a Saturday when I could have stayed home and done nothing - but of course, somebody else will fix up a meeting for me on Saturday forenoon. Anyway, this will not make me refrain from playinggames as long as possible.
As I said, there are times I do love my job.
However, gaming and me have been very bad friends before. I remember spending hours on an old Atari 2600 before they came out with the 'Samurai' game system - which was a rebranded NES. Damn, I spent hours playing 'Double Dragon' and 'Legend of Kage' and what not. Then I had a Dreamcast where I spent the good part of three days virtually non-stop playing 'Soul Calibur', while missing work. Which wasn't a very good thing - you couldn't exactly explain to your boss that you spent the first three days of the week staring at the screen while watching scantily-clad video-game women slug it out with muscle-bound ugsters.
Yes, I was/am a game nerd. I have given up chances at actual romantic escapades because I had chance of beating a person I didn't like so much at FIFA. Sometimes I used to have people I didn't even know (what sometimes, by the end of it, I used to have six guys I didn't know in my living room). In fact, there have been times that I have thought that my gaming addiction was worse than my smoking pot - No wait - it all went together - Pot+Coffee+Chips+Game Console. I even had the house wired up in such a way that when the inverter kicked in - which it did a lot in Delhi those days - the console would stay powered.
Going 'Cold Turkey' was difficult - I found solace in the internet - where beautiful (body modified) women beckoned you at every nook and cranny. And there were always cheap Javascript games to be found. But I quit, and I haven't bought the latest generation of toys - I will however buy a PS3 next year - but I should be older and wiser by then. I may even get married. However, the PSP is offering me the chance at a fling, a chance to remember the past life, and boy am I going to embrace it with both arms wide open.
Baby, we are going to have a blast!

Das hazaar khwaish aise!

Ten thousand hits in three and a bit months - not bad, eh! However, let me start by welcoming Snakeman who is currently lost in a sea of television mediocrity - a sea in which AB is also setting sail. Of course, some are more important items on the agenda - like the article that Nag linked to - which is by far and away among the funniest things I have read in a long, long time. I have three words for anybody who aspires to write about Technology - particularly consumer products (nothing quite replaces knowledge when it comes to technical writing) - Gizmodo, Engadget and CNet. But the Sony launching the iPod Nano bit is still hilarious!
Anyway, I am curious as to why Wertti wants to burn down a large part of Vasant Vihar. As Snakeman points out, Wertti is quite prone to attacks of sudden activity - even though I don't doubt the survivability of a movie hall - I am scared for ToI's TT table. The loss of a TT partner can drive even the most stable individuals to insanity - Wertti is not exactly a paragon of sanity - anyone who spends Rs 2000 buying pirated DVD's in one day (that would be some 100 hours plus of viewing - and Wertti already owns a DVD collection par excellence) is not sane. However, I must admit that by making me read Haruki Murakami I am most indebted to the man.
Whats happening in the Bombay media? Nothing much really. I recently got a job offer from Outlook for a new business magazine they are starting called Outlook Business or something like that. It will not be a rebranding of Outlook Money, which will remain to be as a Personal Finance monthly, this will be more of a corporate special. The magazine will most probably be a fortnightly and is expected to launch in the first quarter of 2006. The money was good and the designation would have been nice as well - but I kinda like where I work. I mean that my bosses are psychotic, but on the whole its a nice place - and the money I get isn't all that bad (it isn't great either).
By, the way did I mention that the weather in Bombay sucks.

ET decides its time for an Apple-Sony merger

In today's Economic Times:

Sony has recently introduced iPod nano.

!!

That's the first line of the article.

From the next paragraph:
Apple and Motorola will soon launch a new gadget which will have the features of both the iPod and a cell phone.


There really is no point in talking about the Rokr here is there?

It gets better:

Nokia has launched 7710, a tony gadget which has a wide-screen phone with pen input, handwriting recognition with up to 90-MB internal memory, 128-MB MMC card.


And then, there are the pearls of wisdom:

While the past generation was happy with a 14-inch colour television, a 165-litre refrigerator and maybe a music system, the present generation of consumers are more taken in by newer products that have both practical as well as snob value. Most of the electronic companies are encashing on this new trend.

And here's a comment on how hard it is for relationships to last -- or is it a comment on one night stands?

Their latest range includes a 1-tonne air conditioner, 5.5-kg washing machine and 20-litre microwave. It is targeted towards mostly single people.


Yes, I read the entire thing so that you lot could have a good time. Go suffer through the whole thing here: Gizmos for you in this festive season- The Economic Times

Ping Pong Balls

Toy Boy Wertti had a great day yesterday. After catching a great movie (The Cinderella Man - go see it!) he was driven home by me and then I cooked him dinner - Fried Eggs and Sausages with Brown Bread.

After dinner he was positively glowing with satisfaction. I had to do something about it.

So I told him Bur-man had quit Toy.

Wertti's eyes opened wide.

"O-bheek?!?"

I nodded.

I could see the gentle buzz of the joint he had smoked turn into an irritating early morning alarm.

"No dude."

I nodded, more emphatically.

"But, he's my TT partner."

When ping pong balls come into question, you know its hurting Wertti bad. Incidentally, his parents call him Bubbles.

I left him shaking his head, muttering about quitting toy, murdering o-bheek and burning down Priya ... that last one has nothing to do with Bur-man quitting.

No more gelucil

My grandad used to swallow an entire strip of gelucil after every meal. He had enough ulcers to power a small ship.

He would have loved this:

Two Australian researchers, Barry J. Marshall and J. Robin Warren, won the 2005 Nobel Prize for Medicine for discovering a bacterium that causes gastritis and stomach ulcers.

More here

Though I must say I prefer the Ig Nobel awards ... if you don't know what I'm talking about head here .. and no these aren't a parody of the Nobels ... and they don't celebrate moronic ability ... the last two sentence were for those too lazy, or too addicted to this site to click on the link.

From ToI to NDTV

The moves from print to telly continue unabated. The latest, according to a Bihari birdy, is a man known to be part of the core editorial team.

No names till we get independent confirmation as usual, but the gentlemen in question was heavily involved with ToI's op-ed (?) offerings.

Jokes apart, I think ToI's lost a great writer.

He is going to NDTV -- a channel in dire need of editorial direction. Ever since the big man has left to form his own channel, the PYTs at ND are all at sea.

It brings to mind the famous question asked by a newbie pyt send to cover a crime story -- she asked the suspect how he felt after committing murder.

Things like that normally didn't happen at ND because people like the big man, but especially the big man, would often tell reporters what the story was in a language that they understood:

1. go there
2. check if your mike is working
3. ask the following questions
4. come back to THIS office WITH the tape and try not to leave the cameraman behind this time

It is hope the edit man from ToI will plug the editorial hole left behind by the big man.

He is reportedly serving his last few days with Team Toy

****

There has been a request for me to be far more explicit ... so here goes nothing ... fuck ... $#% ` ... *^&#$@ ....

****

k and kars ... please do keep in mind that k doesn't always drive sober ... which means a straight drive starts to feel like an infinite turning radius ...

I don't feel like bitching out the media today

So, in part of an occasional series where I don't bash my cluless peers, I'll write about a clueless company instead...
General Motors India, who are even more clueless than their American parent. (note no update since 2003)
Over the weekend a friend of mine asked me whether he should buy a Tavera or an Innova. Now, because I often put on my hat as an Automotive-Geni-ass (which ranks alongside my tech-writing prowess as stupendously awful) I though about the answer for two seconds and told my friend to buy the Toyota. This despite the fact that the Innova has a worse turning radius than a Tata 407 Light Truck, but nonetheless, I told this person to plonk down 10 lakhs and go in for the top-end ‘V’ model, the same one my crazy father has bought as a Labrador carrier.
But, why did I give the Tavera such short shrift – it actually is an Isuzu, but GM is all their intelligence has gone and branded it with an American brand. While this hasn’t killed the Tavera as yet, GM India’s brand intelligence did effectively kill the Subaru Forrester calling it a Chevrolet. The Tavera is a decent vehicle, but given Indians fascinations with all things East Asian (heck, I have a thing for Zhang Zi-Yi), Isuzu might have sold better. Similarly, when somebody asked me if the Optra was a good car, I called it a “Korean piece of shit.” Despite my not exactly liking the Hyundai Elantra (or any Hyundai car other than the Terracan, an maybe the pretty Sonata Embera and the really snazzy Azera they have launched in the US) I will never refer to any Hyundai car the same way. Anyway, I’ld shun both the Optra and the Elantra and buy a Toyota Corolla.
GM launched the ‘Chevrolet’ brand in India because they felt that Indians would be able to associate with it better (pre-1973 oil crisis Bollywood movies all used Chevrolet cars – somehow the baddies always drove them). Now, GM made a couple of fatal errors here – not too many cars were sold in India before 1973 and in a country where half the population is under 30, 1973 was a long time ago (which is why The Emergency of 1975 can never be a rallying point for votes). Not just that, GM India actually admitted (indirectly) that they screwed up with the Opel brand.
Well, actually the sad thing is that the Opel Astra and the Opel Corsa were decently nice cars. For one thing, the Astra had the most amazing ride of any car in the 7-10 lakh price range. The same with the Corsa, which had stupendously good comfort – it’s just that GM cars had issues. Firstly, sales and service – GM dealers were (and are) as obnoxious as their management. Secondly, product upgrades came few and far between. So while the Astra and Cortsa underwent upgrades in Europe, nothing happened in India – the management of GM over here believed that their cars were still the bee’s knees’, but there was something called the internet. Then, as I just mentioned twice, there was the small issue of GM India’s thoroughly incompetent management – a situation that has not improved.
Their media relations verge on the disasterous, no wait, they are disasterous. GM India used to fete auto-magazine journalists with junket after junket, but somehow forgot mainstream media, when you did make a request for an interview, their former MD used to show nakhra and refused to meet under the rank of Associate Editor. This same man when called for a panel discussion on a TV Channel with BVR Subbu and Jagdish Khattar of Hyundai and Maruti respectively said that he wouldn’t appear unless Ratan Tata was on the show, aukaat dekho.
Once when I did get a meeting, after waiting for a month, I was told in no uncertain terms to get my Senior Editor along, which was fine (other than the fact that I had endure a drive back with him – which was a bit on the frightening side) but even he couldn’t understand what was up with the company.
Of course, GM will praise Narendra Modi to high heaven – after all their plant is located in their state. They praised him to high heaven despite the fact that the Gujarat riots shut their plant down for three days, burnt down two dealerships and held up transport for two weeks. There was not a peep, which was as bad as the large Indian investors in the state. Despite foreign governments damning the riots, the most damning indictments could have come from foreign investors – but GM praises Modi at whatever opportunity they get. Quite unlike the Japanese who are always willing to pour scorn on the Haryana government. For a long time, GM was courted by the UP government to buy the defunct Daewoo plant at Surajpur, but in a weird display of sensibility, GM has decided not to buy that rusting hulk. Instead they are most probably going to pour a few hudred million more into Halol. Which will mean that Modi will take out even more full-page adverts in the newspapers about how Gujarat is ‘the bestest state in the whole wide world’.
Of course, this is not exactly a case of a company that is doing stunningly well across the world is it? Adam Opel AG is losing sales in Europe, and GM is America is quickly resembling a joke. But unlike other automakers, they say they don’t have a small car. Yet, when the Suzuki Swift was launched, GM say they had the first super-mini the Corsa Sail – however, sales charts show that the Swift sells 5000-odd cars a month while the heavily discounted Sail (cheaper than the cheapest Swift) sells around 100 a month. The Optra is seeing sales drop because of bad fuel economy – so much so that GM is resorting to buying articles in one particularly unscrupulous auto magazine about how the Optra gives amazing milage. The truth be told – you’ll get better milage in a Honda Accord – the Optra 1.8 in Delhi will barely hit 10km/litre, the Accord 2.4 gives 8-9km/litre easily - in a far more powerful (and needless to say) and better to drive car which though more expensive is extremely frugal.
Again, I do drive cars as part of my ‘I-do-everything’ job brief – and the Innova is a really pleasant car to drive. Sure it feels like the Queen Mary II while taking a turn, but unlike the Tavera, the Innova is far better behaved in a sharp turn than you would expect it to be. I mean the Tavera isn’t too bad, while engine noise and the notchy gearshift are issues, its nice enough to drive. Yet, don’t ask me why I still feel the old Qualis was a better people carrier. And while GM offer discounts to get the Tavera moving, the second-hand market for the Qualis is going through the roof – with prices actually appreciating!
Now, GM India has decided that they will drop the Corsa altogether and we will see something called the Chevrolet Aveo. Which they expect will be a ‘Swift Killer’. In classic GM style, they will try and price the Aveo below the Swift, but given that GM hardly has Maruti-esque volumes they will make a loss of few tens of thousands on every car sold just like the Optra. And still will not manage to buy enough sales, because the Aveo will surface with some really silly fault three months down the line. Or GM’s grouchy bunch of dealers will put all buyers off completely and they will start walking into far friendlier Maruti and Hyundai showrooms and drive off with Swifts (if they can find one with a waiting list under three months) or Getz’. And somehow, they would also unfailingly manage to piss off one or another very important customer (like a SC Lawyer), who would then would go out of his way to kill the brand. Or better still, their after-sales will continue to be so bad and expensive that you’ll never want to buy a GM product anyway.
However, for a bit of fun, GM will then make a huge Rs 100 crore advertising campaign which tries to show off their Indian-ness (and somehow manages to show them as the most completely north Indian company) which will be very arty-farty, because GM doesn’t do anything else (little sardarji kid, no way!) and which will gloriously fail. Of course, bad car adverts are not GM’s forte alone, I’m still trying to work out the last Maruti Esteem advert – but the new Toyota Innova advert is pretty nice mind you.
So when people write about Toyota becoming the world’s #1 carmaker in three years time and Hyundai taking over the position of #2, I’m not sad for GM. Not because I’m not American and live in Detroit, but because GM is possibly one of the stupidest companies around. And because they always consistently manage to hire idiots from the bottom of the class from ‘where-the-hell-are-they-located’ B-Schools. Plus, if nothing else - the sheer arrogance with which GM has treated the Indian market. While the company went ra-ra over the Chinese market, their reward there is the Chery QQ - a total rip-off of the Matiz, in India they gave us old cars and idiotic management and in a few years time when the Chinese learn to build their own cars and the Indian market booms while Americans buy Toyota's, Honda's and Hyundai's which don't drink petrol like water, GM will be completely doomed and I will really not be sorry.
So my friend went ahead and booked his Innova today. Delivery will take three-four weeks unlike the next-day at your doorstep delivery of the Tavera, but I’m sure he will be happier.
EDIT : Since we are talking about car companies and big people carriers - I mean big by Indian standards, i came upon this report in Jalopnik, which says Suzuki, parents of our very own Maruti Udyog Limited are going to showcase two new concept vans at the Tokyo Motor show. The one pictured here is called the Ionis - which I have a very funny feeling might be showcased at the Maruti stall in next January's Auto Expo at Pragati Maidan. Now, don't laugh at these designs because the last major concept car that Suzuki highlighted was something called the Concept-S, which other than the kink being removed from the C-pillar is today known as the Suzuki Swift. Today's insane engineering could become tomorrow's call-ventre wagon!

Tech TV

Technology ... the word is enough to drive a stake through many a brave editor's heart. Having been weaned on a steady diet of crime, political snarking and the odd natural disaster, most editors are clueless when it comes to tech ... though it must be said that my experience with the ed-in-c at birla paper leaves me with some hope.

what it boils down to is this. for most people, being clueless about technology is a proud badge, worn on the sleeve, and referred to atleast ten times during any discussion of a tech story.

the irony lies in the fact that our entire civilisation (if you can call it that) is based on technology. where would we be without the internal combusion engine, satellites, optics, digital recording, computers, and picture tubes?

let me answer my own question: without a job.

to ignore technology is one thing. to accept it without too much thought is okay. but to make a fetish out of being ignorant about it is a bloody crime.

which brings us to tech reporters and their bosses.

for most people technology is about the latest gadget. "tell me what happens when you press a button." something that makes for a great anchor or the last story in a primetime rundown.

to the best of my knowledge, the people over at wired were the first publication to figure out what tech writing was all about. them and tim o'reilly -- the man behind o'reilly publishing -- anybody who's ever learnt a programming language has picked up an o'reilly book at some point of time or the other.

what's great about wired is that it has always tried to figure out how tech affects the world ... so it isn't only about the latest gadget, but about the guy using the latest gadget!

same difference?

Gossip gossip gossip

Delhi is reeling.

I overheard a little butterfly talking about two people fired from the only English news channel in the countru besides Headlines Today for having given vital information to rival channels.

One is said to have leaked the news rundown order to channel 7 -- suddenly a major rival it seems.

The other is supposed to have leaked technical secrets (you use the red button on the remote to switch the tv on?) to a channel that hasn't been launched yet.

independent confirmation of these rumours is awaited in the form of appointment letters from the channels they helped.

***

in other news today. a new channel is currently undergoing a massive onslaught of what K calls "a communal sex farm's" behaviour.

when the man left nd, little did he know that trailing behind him was the permissiveness that makes temperatures soar at nd's gk office.

the affairs have started.

noida is heating up.

rubber trees are being planted everywhere.

disclaimer: i am not a beneficiary

***

and finally, incompetence refuses to leave journalism. for all its promise, the new channels are stuck with the same ratio of competent people to incompetent morons.

and as usual, the competent are outnumbered.

but with no channel on the air, the competent are drowning in a sea of media-cracy.

***

g'night good people!

Technology writers and India

There are times when I am envious of the Western media, I mean really envious. And when it comes to technology writers - NYT and The Guardian have people whose work is on the whole rather well researched and they know what they are talking about. Now in India the problem is not just limited to ToI which suddenly discovers Google Earth or as I discovered via a link on Codey's blog, a connection between Spyware and Porn, today the clueless about technology attack struck The Hidustan Times. Its about some American website selling a DVD called 'Sex Life of the Prophet' (back cover here). Now, HT in all its innocence (because they quote Ankit Fadia over here - I may not be a tech guru - but I know tens of guys better than him) - now here HT advocates that because some minority community are upset (and quite understandly so, imagine what would happen if they found out that American soldiers are trading pics of dead Muslims from Iraq and Afghanistan to access porn sites) that the site hosting the DVD be cyber-attacked. The problem is that there are 430 Google results over hundreds of sites when I did a search for the topic. The sites selling the DVD are perfectly legal commercial sites selling porn, while I agree that the DVD title is in slightly bad taste there is no need to get your panties in a twist over this.
Now better still, the article advocates a 'DOS attack' and it took me 30 seconds before I realised they meant 'Denial of Service' attack - which should be spely DoS - but then again there are very few journalists who understand technology in this country, so I won't get all hyper about a capital 'O'. Something which is highly illegal and the guys can have their panties sued after this - because the nitwits put it in print. 'Start a cyberwar' - on what grounds? And a DoS attack will take a website down for what, a couple of hours here or there, at best. Argh!
Anyway, the lack of knowledge of all things technology among my peers is quite shocking at times. There is a very famous editor in India who is completely computer-phobic and I believe that he should be removed from his job for that. I have had to spend hours explaining 'caching' on Google to one colleague - then there was the tech writer in a former place of work whose first hour with a digital camera almost gave me a heart attack, maybe because this woman used to think of herself as 'tech guru-ess' - the time when we got a PDA to test was even funnier - I managed to coerce the tech reviews section and have handled such reviews ever since - currently I have a Samsung Miniket VP/M 2100 with me. I don't know how many of them have heard of CNet, let alone Gizmodo or Engadget. I don't know how many of them have even seen a PS2.
You may think that I am being snobbish over here. No, I'm not. I am syaing that to be a tech writer you need to have started out on computers when you were six years old (I started out on a ZX Spectrum+ from Sinclair Research with 48Kb RAM when I was six - it was cutting edge for that era and I got an Atari 2600 too when I was a bit older) but for gods sake, until you have some basic knowledge of computing - you should be banned from writing about any technology. It is quite sad to see guys go to Tech Pressers and just write whatever the hell the guys of stage say - and companies too take advantage of this lack of knowledge - the amount of times I have heard 'But we have ERP' in a vain attempt to impress me.
I am not saying there aren't any knowledgable guys writing about Tech in India, the problem is that there are too few. Way too few.
EDIT : Of course, there are times that Gizmodo goes beyond gadgets - way beyond gadgets!
Now for a nice healthy dose of K-linx.
Urban Asshole Notification Cards - I think they should launch these in Delhi f'sure!
How to dispose of your parents bodies (from Vice Magazine)
A complete archive of every MAD magazine cover - Wow!
Photoshopped manga characters made from photo's of real-life celebs - the pic is of Anime Aishwariya - not too bad and some of the others are really nice!